I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
