Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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