I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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