Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There r osticjed everywhere
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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