Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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