If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
