I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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