you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
