Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.