so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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