I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
