Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
as a side note pls kill me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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