so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
