Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
