he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
