Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
