Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
