Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That accounts for only three of the penises
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
