either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
