but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
