So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
