Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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