So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
