Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
