I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
