i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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