Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
