Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
