I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
