you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
