Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
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