Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A+ Viking dick
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
