I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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