why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
