I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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