i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
