So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
