why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
