Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
