When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
