you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
