a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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