I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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