You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
