my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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