she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
