Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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