We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
