I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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