Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
