Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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