cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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