she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
