My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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