once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
