just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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