I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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